.....I looked up and said "shut up" as if the music would stop because I can't hold the drama anymore....

Love makes a living martyr. It can make you do anything up to the point of mind paralysis that makes you blind.

"You shouldn't invest emotionally." This is the advice I got from a friend. But how can you not get involved when the one you are looking for is right in front of your eyes, like a drug that is very addictive.

It has been a month. A sad month of trying to be ok. I met him, had casual sex, connected, dated, conversed, things ended mutual. I always thought that casual sex is forgettable, nothing special - because we draw the line that is just to surpass the urge and as they say, "No strings attached."

But what if someone stays with you for 3 days after making out and tells you he likes you. Wouldn't you expect something out of it.

Now I felt like love is stabbing me from behind. I had set my mind not to expect but what if that someone gives you the reason to expect?

For weeks we kept in touch and to this day, I still saved his messages on my phone. Unyil one day he stopped sending those messages I used to read over and over. Things changed in an instant. And i told myself, "may mga tao palang ganun who would make you feel like he never met you after making you feel that he likes you." then the messages went from sweet to junk. Like any massage you could instantly erase and still not miss anything.

We both felt we have to talk. Yes, I admit i like him because I have never met anyone who could converse well and would fit my expectations. Him artound me feels like a shoe that perfectly fits.

The next scene flashed in the restaurant. He stared at me. I continued eating to preempt the tears. Then he said, "I could not give what you expect." Sige, nguya, nguya...paglunok ko ayun kasabay may luhang pumatak." And oh! What a perfect timing. "Separated" by Usher was playing at the restaurant. I looked up and said "shut up" as if the music would stop because I can't hold the drama anymore.

We still went out yet our expectations were not what they used to be. I could not blame him nor am I ready for this. What made me sad the most is the thought that i am letting go of someone I have dreamed of having. And to this day i am writing this, I am hiding the emotions everytime we go out. At times I'd wish to see him angry or do stupid things that would turn or push me away but everything he does just turns it to likeness.

Do I want him around? - Yes... Can I walk away? - I'm not sure if I can.

I AM A MARTYR. MY HEART OUGHT TO BE SHOT.