A Birthday Cake and a Candle.

My birthday is in two weeks. On my way home, I just thought of the past birthdays I had. I can’t even remember them anymore. Probably because I never had a birthday celebration in my 24 years of existence. Yes it is making me sad. The thought of not having a birthday cake with candles to blow. I never had that when I was a kid.

All three kids in the family celebrate our birthdays in May. Since my brother’s birthday is just days after my sister’s, they used to have a party for two. A celebration for their birthdays. I can still recall when I was 6; they had a party with balloons, games and two separate cakes with candles. But I was never jealous of this. My mom used to cook food on my birthday when I was a kid. And this idea would not even happen again since they got separated.

A couple of people greeted me last year. It was nice to hear from people whom I’ve never seen for a long time and yet remembered me on my special day. I never had a planned birthday. That’s why I’ve been longing to be with the people and gather them so my former school mates in college who I have been with for 8 years can meet my close friends from work and the like. In a way I want to celebrate my birthday making people know more about me. Yes, some folks have known me for years but never really know me.

Last year as I looked back….I could not remember how the last birthday went or passed. I was alone that I can remember. People get too busy to celebrate with me. Some says, “I have another event to attend to,” or “I can’t because I’m busy,” or “I can’ because it’s raining.” And my expectations went from happy to no expectations at all.

I am just thankful that I am still alive to this date. That I am still growing and still open to learning new things. I think this year, in two weeks; I am gonna buy myself a cake and put a candle on top of it. I will make a wish for people to take value of things still existing. I am going to sing myself a happy birthday……I would definitely cry blowing that candle…….

I hate goodbyes.....

One sad truth about life is the fact that people come and go but you have to still move on because you’re still breathing. A friend is leaving the country for good tomorrow. I haven’t seen her for a while and decided to visit her as she bid farewell to her friends. Things haven’t changed. She is still a friend I look up to. She was from the same school where I took up college. Same course, only a batch older than I am. ‘Can’t believe that years have past and now it’s time for her to go. Yes, we tried not to be emotional that night. Just laughing and singing. All I know is no matter where she is I’m definitely glad I had the time to share life with her.

Last Friday, I planned to go out after work just to break the boredom. I got a message saying that he is in town. My ex from Singapore….and I’m really not sure if I am still to meet up with him or not because after all it’s not gonna make any difference. Yes I admit that I miss him and for a time it has been hard to trust someone again. So I guess I’ll just meet him, after all it’s not gonna hurt me. Sitting in front of him with a bottle of beer I asked why he still wanted to meet me. And he said just to check if I am ok because he knows I am all alone all this time. Things are different now. I’m not hurting anymore because I know I can’t promise to physically be there for him when he misses me. He’s gonna move to Australia for good. I didn’t accept the offer to live with him because I have to still settle things here and at least be sure that I can give up everything in this country – My friends, family, work, my life is here…….


Up to this day I am thinking of a close friend that I miss so much. I don’t receive anymore messages from him and I have wanted to bring back the comfort that we had. I wanted to scream out loud that I am a true friend that never left but he did……..or maybe just needed some time off. And I can’t do anything about this decision but to respect it. No matter how hard I try to make him realize that I want to be there for him when he needs me… I know the answer but I am making myself stupid thinking that he will consider. I just miss my friend. You know who you are………..and Damn! You know I hate goodbyes. I guess the only thing to do is just do what a true friend does. Hope and be there when he needs me. I am posting here a sad song that makes me wanna ask the writer a lot of whys and hows?????

If you're not afraid
Of what love brings
Then endings are beginnings
Of beautiful things
It's a chance you take
A chance you're in
If someone's gonna find you
First you gotta let them in...

CHORUS
Coz love begins with one hello
The hardest part is over
Now it's easy letting go
One hello, is how it starts
You might win in love
While lose your heart.


If you're not afraid
Of what you feel
Then try and keep it simple
But try and keep it real
And if being real
Means you're someday say goodbye
Remember my friend, that was not the end
It's a circle you know
And it's starts with one hello……….

I opened my eyes and the ceiling painted reality......

I woke up sad. A dream - It made me face reality. I haven't really forgiven him.

Last night i had a dream. The scenes were the least of things i would want to remember. It's like a memory that I try to erase from my head. It all went back. The kid who suffered a sad childhood. Battered, not a word to defend that kid. That kid who hid the reasons, kept all by himself. Fighting back was never an option. It's a struggle to let it out. All the pictures came back. As painful as it had happened before. I still feel the pain but now without tears.

How can I forget. How can I ever forgive if forgiveness is not asked? If i haven't even felt that he felt guilty for what he caused. Twenty four years and still unsure if he had accepted. Yet, I never needed acceptance.

I opened my eyes and the ceiling painted reality.

Dad, i haven't really forgiven you. It is very tough because the pain you caused is overwhelming....overcoming. For what reason that drove me far, it was what you've done in the past that never healed. One without closure.